Prison Life

There are a couple of things you need to know about me:

1. I work at the prison

2. I work with sex offenders at the prison

3. I laugh my freaking butt off at inmates in the prison

We give the inmates a sentence completion test where they are given the first part of a sentence and then have to finish the sentence....here are two of my favorites:

I am attracted to. . . Females. The human female.

I am most sexually aroused when. . . I am horny.
When I see an attractive woman. . . I get horny.

Whole lot of horn goin' on!

Rock to the Top

We started hip hop in my jazz dance class. If you are wondering if I rock the hiz ouse. . .the answer is NO! I wish with all my heart that the rhythm would get me, but it hasn't, Gloria lied. Damn those hip shaking latins!

Cheesy Waffles

The other day in class we had to introduce ourselves with a little known fact about us that people would remember. Okay, I am not an original person. . . I don't have wierd quirks and I haven't been super adventurous, so what would I say. This is a common concern for me when people ask these types of questions. First and blind dates tend to drift in this direction as well.

The only thing I could come up with is I like cheese on my waffles. Yes, I know, gag, gag, puke, puke. Well after I said this a chic behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I liked it in the morning or for dinner. I informed her that I liked it both times at which she immediately shuttered and asked if I put syrup on it. Yes was my reply. She looked at me with all manner of distate imaginable and then I spoke very curtly: Don't knock it till you tried it.

So here is my little recipe for cheese waffles. . . don't knock it till you tried it. You may end up liking it.

One warm waffle
Spread butter lightly all over the top of the waffle
Lay thinly sliced cheddar cheese across whole waffle
Pour hot syrup on cheese
Cut, insert into mouth, and enjoy!

Como se dice DEUSH en Espanol?

Okay, let's face it. All guys are astro-deushes. I have no idea how to spell that word, but they are. I have been receiving what we shall call "crap" for not writing as dilligently on my blog as I ought and now feel pressure to do so or die a painful and untimely death.

This subject, like so many others that remain on my rather puny mind, is not original, unique, or even that entertaining...it is simply consuming. Like a spark from a piece of flint that merely licks dry leaves, this subject engulfs my brain into a rapid explosion of flame. I am speaking, as I said before, of the Astro-deush. (I really wish I knew how to spell that word.)

Two of them have recently sparked in my head, and so polar opposite are they, that I don't know if I even have a normal neuron pattern of love firing in my cerebral cortex. Side note: God-what were you thinking when you created this mess? One of these AD's has the audacity to come over and chat any time he feels any inclination and then simply spews out the list of hotties he wouldn't mind getting to know. MMMhmm. The second has and will continue to break this little heart of mine...but man AD #2 can sure kiss.

All the rest of the Astro-deushes are not even close to worth getting to know, so it looks like my mind will be engulfed in the misery of flames forever!

Honk Your Own Horn!!

Today on the way back to work after a most satisfying meal at Ruby-freaking-good-Tuesdays my two work pals and I were in a left hand turn lane. Stopped at the light the left hand turn signal changed to green. My Lovely Cohort did not notice the nomination to turn and so just kept telling her lame story. There was a car behind us. . .I am sure more annoyed than ever. . .but just sitting there. Without a word, passenger-seat-man reached over and honked our car's horn telling Lovely Cohort to turn, which she proceded to do.

Make a mistake? Don't let others rat you out. Honk your own freaking horn and get the hell out of there.

Destiny is a Choice

Occasionally in our lives we find that we begin to fade away from things once loved, friends once cherished, and homes once comforting. New shapes and figures begin to emerge only as shadows first but as light and truth ever increase our paths become clear, more illuminated and a bit more narrow. Those dear friends and acute displays fade into the shadows of memory always more fondly remembered than reality exhibited. As this new exposure hits our faces we fear the past was, and will be, better than what lay before us: what some may call destiny. Each broken heart, prize not won, mountain not conquered, and faith shaken may taint our view of this new obscure future. Destiny awaits, no, choice awaits, awareness awaits, and a new place to call home, even if it is in the comfort of our own conscience, eagerly awaits the time when we will heal. Yet inevitably this future will fade and new scars will need to be nursed; old scars a mere shadow. To quote a beloved poet, "Two roads diverged in a road and I, I took the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

The Hit and Run Analogies

The hit and run is a criminal offense and has been since the fall of Adam. Hit and runs are the most heinous of crimes because not only does the offender get away with the malicious act, but then the victim is constantly in wonder of what happened and now have to pay for the damages.

Another yet less severe hit and run involves leaving pie at a fine young specimen’s doorstep and then running your brains out not to get caught. Again, the victim is wondering who the hell dropped the pie and is it contaminated or dare they eat it. This fraudulent act can double as a seduction attempt on the offender’s side to entice the recipient into a date. (Helpful Hint: When committing such an offense, make sure you have an access code to get out of the private drive.)

The third degree of this offense is one that is equally as frustrating and seductive as its’ forbearers. The target hit: my lips. The run: yes, and never to be seen or heard of again. . .until of course the wedding announcement shows up. This offense also leaves the victim in suspense of what the hell happened and I will be damned if it wasn’t seductive.

So the pressing issue is: Did the victim in all three of these cases deserve such criminal intent? Was the target in the wrong or is this a malicious act on behalf of the offender? I say to victims: Unite. Stop these predators in the very act in which they strike. If she drops a pie. . .catch her, and freaking drop your girlfriend and ask her out. If he is going in for the kiss on a first date. . .oh no, you Di Ent!! Grab the lame commitment phobe where it hurts, resist the temptation!!

If any of you sisters out there have a stamp on your forehead screaming, “Kiss me and run!” I implore you give us a holler cuz shoot girl you are in the best of company.

Peace out victims, may your roads be smooth and your victims committal.